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Live to love =) <3 [16 Oct 2010|06:32pm]
 :) My boyfriend was just home from South Carolina for 4 days which was sooo nice to have him home for a little. Got to meet the families, everything was perfect. Sucks having him far away but he's worth missing =) Its nice to finally feel like I truly have an great guy, a guy who actually cares about me and who makes me happy. He came out of no where.. but I couldnt be happier.

Life is good, working with the Orlando Magic now and still doing the sporting events traveling around. 2 jobs, 4 classes.. stressful but it will all be worth it in the end and the income is very nice =)

Miss spending all the time with my friends I use to have but welcome to real life...

before i met you i never knew what it was like; to look at someone and smile for no reason

<3 2 months and going strong

Chelsea and Me on her 7th bday at the park =)
Chels (Brinleys little sister) and Me at her 7th bday party =)

My Best friend and My Boyfriend.. =) So happy

I love this and saw it on another persons blog but I want to do this, like the idea a lot.

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror


I miss how our friendship use to be. I love you, I understand youre in love and you want to spend time with him but I miss having my best friend in my life. Im always here for you, I know we talk a lot but it sucks feeling like Im consistently second to him and that you cant make any time for me unless he's working or mad at you or he wants his own guys time. Make me and all your friends feel shitty. Wish we could go back to the cocoa days at the apt when we were carefree and fun =)



Do It Live <3 [09 Feb 2010|10:33am]
 So... its been quiteee a while since Ive posted an entry.  After how this week has gone though Im going to get better with this because I think its important to write daily. 

This has been by far the hardest week of my life since I lost Davey in December of 1998. 

Lets start from the beginning.. a timeline of the week step by step.. more for me than anyone reading it..

Saturday Jan. 30- went to Miami with Alyza. Had an awesome audition. Shuan remembered us from the year before. It went great. We went and took pictures on the beach and just hung out like best friends which was nice since we havent gotten to do that in a long long time. Then we headed back. On the way back I find out my brother is newly single.. yes ladies, this is right.. single. So I came back and went to Buffalo Wild Wings and with Alyza and met up with him and the crew (Shanna, Ryan, Wilson, Goodiejon, KT, etc).. little did I know while I was out taking care of my brother.. a huge catastrophe was taking place. 

Sunday Jan. 31- Was awaken to a text from Greg Hosko saying "Please Pray for John, he was in a head on collision last night and is in ICU." I sprinted out of bed got a hold of Danielle and Kayla, Allison came over and Kayla ended up getting in a bad accident on her way here. Thank god shes ok! So Deej, Allison and I get over to the hospital and all the guys are there. The doctor took Danielle and I back in to see JohnAy.. words cant even describe what he looked like.. it was like a doll. It wasnt it, this wasnt real. His skull was shattered when he was ejected from the truck.. which caused brain damage and excess amount of swelling. His head was like a blow up doll. It was awful. We broke down outside the room. along with everyone else who saw him on this day. The day went on, we never left the hospital. Late after we got to see him one more time Deej and I came back to my apt showered, changed, got clothes and went  back for our sleepover at the hospital. There was about 13 of us, it was amazing how much we came together during all of this. It was Danielle, Kim, Cody, Lally, Bezer, Jappy, Dusty, Luke, Logan, Paul, Skinner, and myself that stayed. We played some card games and the name game and tried keeping a positive and hopeful attitude for John. 

Monday Feb. 1- Woke up in the trauma waiting room with everyone at about 9am. Today was a day of waiting. At around 1 we got to go back in and see him. He looked so much better. Almost like himself again. We talked to him, told him we love him and werent leaving this hospital till he did. <3 It was heartbreaking. There were close to 50 people in the hallway of the hospital for John. It was amazing. After we knew we werent allowed to see him any longer an entire huge group of us went to Ale House to cheers a drink in Johns name. John was 100% officially brain dead at 2pm on this day though we didnt know it until around 9 or 10 this evening. The blood circulation to his brain had failed. At this time we knew his way of leaving the hospital wasnt going to be how we'd wanted it to be... Greg, Kayla, Deej and I came back to my apt after Ale House. Greg and I went back to Cody's and I stayed there with him. It was nice to have the guys around, made it very comfortable and consoling. This was the day they really pronounced John to be gone, but they kept him on life support so his brothers could say goodbye..

Tuesday Feb. 2- Hardest time. We got up and went back to the hospital to get to see him for the last time. He looked amazing. Completely like himself again. The SB 03 girls went in together to say our last goodbyes. I told him since he was an organ donor that he was going to save the lives of many people but that he got to keep his liver which I knew he'd be happy about. It was rough. I came to school to turn in a paper then back to the hospital. After they took him off life support and we knew for sure he'd become an angel.. we left the hospital. It'd been like a home to me fore 3 days and I just couldnt be there any longer. Jessie and Kayla came over and we went and got something to eat and tried reflecting on good memories we've all had with JohnAy. I went back to the island we had a girls dinner (Me, Deej, Kayla, Sarah and Jessie- the SB 03 girls)) at Frankies, our spot.. then stayed with Greg at Cody's again.. being there just really helped me. 

Wednesday Feb. 3- A day to mourn. I spent the day with all the girls. We decided to do some collage boards for the memorial held Friday. I went and got about 220 pictures printed out got cardboard, tape and some ribbon.. and we went home and decorated. It was a nice day to spend with my favorite girls. This time really brought us back together. I stayed at Deejs.

Thursday Feb. 4- Danielle and I woke up and baked. We made cookies and cupcakes for the memorial then went back to my parents to finish the collage boards. Sarah, Jessie and Kayla came over as well. It was another wonderful girls night together. Sarah and Kayla and Shanna stayed the night. We finished the boards.

Friday Feb. 5- Got to Kiwanis around 8 to help set up. Mingled around and said hi to as many people as I could. 1030 the memorial began. Jewish memorials are so much different and definitely not as sad. The slideshow was wonderful, the boards were a success, I had paper and pens on tables for everyone to write about john where I put it in a notebook to give to his mom. The guys (ryan paddock, ryan kirklin, Keith Coapland and Grady all spoke about John) the service was nice. Immediately following the 1st memorial was the actual funeral/burriel up in swanee at his grandma's place in the country. So I picked up Deej and her Sarah and I followed Jessie and Kayla up to the house. The ride was nice, catching up with everything and having girl talk. When we got to the cemetary we were way earlier than the guys. Once they finally got there we did the service, it was much more emotional than the memorial earlier. Norma sang Wind Beneath My Wings and did the Cup Runnith Over poem, that got everyone. The burriel was very nice as well. After we left the site we went up to his grandparents where they had a huge room set up at the church with tables and Sonys catered BBQ. We all ate together and talked with his family then headed to the retreat house where there was a ton of rooms with 2 queen size beds in each. The night all in all was nice, we all sat around and talked, played games, watched movies and celebrated the life of our dear friend John Ashpes. Keith got shirts made that say on the front left "Do It Live" and on the back says Team Ashpes with his number 24 under. Perfect Idea. (Bezer, Lally, Keith, Luke, Dusty, Joel, James, Greg, Kirklan, Brittany, JR, Lindsay, Kim, Cody, Caitlin, Paddock, his gf, Stephanie, Logan, Sarah, Kayla, Jessie, Deej and me were who stayed and went to swanee)

Saturday Feb. 6- all packed everything into the cars and took a ride down to Kathy (johns moms) place on the Swanee. We took pictures and walked around and then headed back to the cemetary to say our last goodbyes. Hard time. Then to Grandmas to see her place and say our goodbyes to her. The SB girls are gunna try and make it a point to go see her at least once a year if not more. The time up there was extremely nice. We headed back to MI after that and Sarah, Deej and I went to Chili's for lunch. There was a party that night at Cody's to celebrate Johns life like he'd have wanted us to do. It was a good time. We played the games John loved, talked out by the bon fire and just all bonded over the life of someone we call a dear friend. The night ended a little roughly but I knew it would be patched up so I went home and slept at my parents.

Sunday Feb. 7- Superbowl Sunday. Johns favorite day. Matt came over I got to spend some time with him which was nice, then picked up Kayla and Deej, we got some wings and pizza and came back to my parents to watch the game. I had a long and very good talk with Greg which made me feel better about everything and which I'll disucss in a different post.. but it went well. Kayla stayed the night with me, the Saints won their 1st super bowl game ever and Drew Brees was named SB 44 MVP.

Monday Feb. 8- Time to get my head back on straight and back on track. I got everything I needed to get done in Merritt Island and then headed back to Orlando. It was weird being back here again since the last time I stayed in my own bed John was still alive.. but it was good for me. Im having a rough time with this as I know we all are. I went and got iKiwi with Ryan Garret and Alyza and had some catch up time with my bests that I havent seen in a week now. Then came home and Matt came and stayed with me. Its surreal to me that he's here now. Like living in Orlando and is going to be coming over, staying with me, hanging out with me, going out with me.. on a regular basis. I love it. 

All in all as hard as this week was it opened my eyes to a different way of life. Its a fragile thing, life is. Never ever take a single moment, friend, family member, memory, for granted because you just dont ever know when you wont be here or someone wont be here to share it with again. 

The bond that was made with all of us who spent the week together, even though weve all been friends for a long time, will change our friendships forever. We will stay close and connected, we will make time for each other, we will make sure everyone stays safe. This time has shown us the meaning of life. It was John wanting to bring us all together again, to teach us things and to make sure we knew the meaning of friendship.

John Norman Ashpes.. will live on in us forever, we will live everyday to the fullest, we'll Do It Live like he'd want us to and make sure we Live Love and Laugh just like he did. He will forever be with us and watching over us. Heaven just got the best angel and us friends just got the best guardian. <3

Someone like you.. [18 Oct 2008|04:58pm]
 So lifes starting to get better.. I think Im over this "depression" state I have been in which makes me VERY happy. 

I went to Gainseville for the weekend last weekend which was SO much fun. It was nice to get away and to see all my friends that are going to UF. It was seriously like a Merritt Island High reunion.. to the point that the "Go0o0o0 Merritt Island" chant broke out at Court Of Heros (a bar up there) haha it was awesome. The LSU/UF game was fun..I mean as much as it could be to be at a gator game haha No I love watching football so it was ok. Being with my friends was just the best of it.

The whole weekend rocked though staying with my Candy Man and seeing the boys and my Shannanana!! Hot guys and tailgating.. I needed it all haha.

I havent had anything to drink in over a month now.. I really think its helping me and definitely for the best. I have been working out a LOT, the gym is kinda my happy place. Where I go to relieve stress and to think. Also nice way to keep me healthy.. not exactly the best for my heart but I need it. So it works.. 

Im in Merritt Island for this weekend, came home to see the Show (Jekyll and Hyde) which by the way was AMAZING!!!!! I was So so sooo impressed with this show.. It made me sad though too. I reallllly miss the CVP. Being there always brings back some of the absolute best memories of my life. My whole childhood pretty much resides in that building! Plus Rick Roach happens to be one of my favorite people in the entire world and one of the most entertaining and talent persons to watch in a show. So that of course topped it. I cant wait to go back tomorrow with my Mommy and my Emer to see Matt. Ive heard nothing but great and wonderful things about him as well, which Im sure is nothing less than true =) So its been a good playhouse weekend, which is always needed. That place really brings me home. I cant believe its been 2 years since I have done a show. Last year was the 1st time since I was 8 that I went a whole year without doing anything at the playhouse!! Nuts, I know. Things there have changed tremendously though its amazing whats become of it. Double casting was not even a thought when I was doing shows there, there was NO way anyone was missing a show, its so great to see the changes. Of course I miss my time there, Id probably give my left foot to go back to 42nd street or Fiddler or the 1st Joseph, or Anything goes.. Then again I would probably go back to any of the what 20 shows I did haha. Or the 9 years I spent in stars.. CRAZY how there are over 200 stars now!! My 1st year in stars there was like 30 of us!! I was the youngest person in it and I was 8! haha. Though I still think I have the longest running in stars.. Holding my rank haha and still the youngest to have been in all shows on the plaque.. THOUGH back then we had to be in every show the season to get on there haha there was no 3 out of 5, 4 out of 5 and then 5 out of 5 it was 4 out of 4 or nothing! And I was 12 and worked my butt off especially since 2 of the 4 shows I was put in were 13 and up!! :-D Man I miss it! I miss our little CVP crew (Alyza, Traci, Dana, Jenna, Patrick, David, Chris, John, Sarah, Josh, Ryan, Greg)-- the times spent after shows at my house or Alyzas.. Oh the good ole days!! Misssss it for sure.. Playhouse was definitely one of the best things to happen in my life. Im ready for 42nd street again!!! =)

Anyways MI weekend has been fun too, seeing everyone here always puts a smile on my face ;) 

The guy worlds been complicated big time.. having some pulls and pushes with situations but it happens and Ive figure it our for myself.. Not rushing into anything especially now. Im older and I really know the next relationship I get into  is honestly gunna be geared toward the long run.. gunna be something I can see myself in for my future as well. No more pointless going no where relationships.. So waiting for it and making sure its right is a must. Just going out now and having the fun I should have had my freshman and sophmore years is okay weith me : ) Its been frustrating a lil though bc everyone knows about Matt and how him and I have been.. and lately he has been really pushing this marriage thing and how much he truly wants it and just is ready to move here and us be together and start our life together.. so it makes it hard bc he isnt here and i wish he were.. but theres also kinda someone else back in MI.. so ahhh boys! hahahah <3

I love the beach. The beach makes me probably the most happy besides being on stage of course.. but its been nice here and of course seeing my Britt and my Stace and my Kace has been amazing =)

lifes getting better.. I needed this.. I need to get back to work. Im hoping my health is good enough to go back and no get me stressed to where it goes bad again. 4 exams this week though could be a little scary

1 Always..| Smile!

It will all get better in time.. [01 Oct 2008|02:41pm]
 What an extremely rough past 2 weeks. I feel like the stress is never ending and the pain is even worse.. I knew it would all catch up to me eventually, I guess I just always feel like Im stronger than my body is. No matter how much pain Im feeling, how weak my body is, how sore I get or the excruciating shooting pains I feel stabbing my chest I always feel I can beat it. Last night was proof I couldn't. Between the tests, and the work and they worries the stress became too overbearing. I just wanted to have fun, I know I probably shouldn't have but I just want to be able to live a normal happy go lucky life that I really do aim for. Its just so hard having to battle something much bigger and stronger than I am. Its hard sometimes HAVING to have a different outlook on situations. Literally HAVING to make the best of EVERYTHING no matter how bad the ojective or situation may be, no matter how much it could break my heart, or hurt my feelings.. I have to in some way shape or form make it into a positive. Normally thats not a bad thing at all but sometimes I just cant do it. Sometimes I have to feel hurt and sadness and sometimes I have to just cry. I know its just SO not like me to ever let anything get to me, to cry, to be hurt..9 times out of 10 Im the strongest person imaginable. But there is still that 1 outta 10 chance that I have to just let it out. I have never been one to really express upsetting emotions. I like to live life to the fullest as happy as I can be. I dont cry in front of people, I dont like to talk when something is upsetting or bothering me.. I feel for me and my situation its honestly the best for me. I avoid situations, fights and un needed arguments I just keep it inside and eventually I get over it myself. Most people say thats bad, which Im sure it probably is its just how I am, what I do. I really do take care of myself best I can. Im a very healthy person in terms of my sickness but sometimes I over exhert myself, let stress build.. and thats when my body breaks down. Last night just happened to be the worst its been since I lived in Tallahassee.. But the difference is I have the absolute most AMAZING friends in the entire world and last night really proved that to me. I couldn't ever ever try to express how much my friends that were there for me last night mean to me. I am so lucky, so blessed with the most wonderful friends imaginable. Nothing I could ever do or say could tell or show them how much I appreciate them. How much they mean to me and how safe I feel knowing I have the friends I do in my life. Alyza just happens to go without saying and I dont think I give her enough credit or appreciation because she is my best friend and I just assume thats to be known, but shes amazing, she is wonderful and no one could be as lucky as I am to have the greatest best friend in the world. Not to mention MJ and Corey last night really showed me what I meant to them.. I love those 2 so so much and really having them here for me makes me one of the happiest people in the world, knowing no matter what they would do anything for me. Its luck I have people like this in my life. 

I hate that when this happens to me its always an "eye opener" and I feel like everytime Im suppose to learn something from it.. But I already know it.. I know how to appreciate life, family, friends, and everything that comes in between. I really do. Even the guys who came out last night to take me back to the hospital.. to make sure I was going to be okay.. I appreciate it. I do give thanks, I do pray, I do believe in god.. Just because Im not as religious as others doesn't mean I dont do all of that. Im ready to just be better, to never have to deal with this pain, these horrible experiences and these terrible attacks. Im done, I have been done for a long time. This week knocked me out, it caught up to me and it kicked me in the ass. That is what happened, and this "eye opener" was stress related. I know I need to focus more, I wont be as stressed about tests if I study more, pay more attention and take better knows. I wont be as stressed if I dont let the little things get to me like I have been, because before, that is something I would never do. I dont chase, I dont play games, I dont let guys stress me out. Its one less thing to worry about and one less thing to keep me healthy. There is no need for it, there is a good guy out there.. I know where he is and Im in no rush. Im not looking to be in anything serious, I was just looking to have a good time and thats how its going to stay. I know the page I am on in life, Im 21 years old. When Im ready to be in a committed and serious relationship I know its going to be for the future. This is why I am in no rush, this is why I just want to be able to live the single life that I haven't had since i started middle school. I didn't get to be 18 and single for my 1st year of college like normal kids do. So why not do it now. There is no one or thing to hold me back from it. Therefore stress over a guy is not happening. It was my fault for it even beginning to happen and its going to be changed. "It will all get better in time" is how I look at that and its a positive thing. I got myself into the situation and I can and will be the one to make it a positive one and to make it all work out. I wont let myself get hurt, not now, not by someone who shouldn't be able to hurt me. If that makes any sense. Young. Thats all I can describe it as. There is just still so much growing up left to do, again why I say its my fault. And that I can accept. That I will take blame for. Im use to older and I made a change. Sometimes change is good, sometimes it doesn't work out so well. I'll make the best of this and make it a learning experience.

My mom and dad always told me not to read into things to deep. My mom and dad told me this.. my mom the therapist and my dad the councilor told me not to read into things. Thats just funny in itself. I know thats my biggest flaw is no matter how chill I am, no matter how good I am about not letting things get to me, not expressing upsetting emotions, not letting a guy interfere with my happiness, I still read into things. I still make things bigger than they are. I cant help it, I was raised around 2 parents who were constantly analyzing and solving things. So I do it. I wish there was a way to change that because it probably would help any negative situation in my life but its something thats stuck with me my whole life. Many people do it, I just over do it. I can turn the smallest thing into something huge and not even mean to do it. Its something I really must work on, its something my doctors worry about, its something I have tried for years to let go of. Its a habit, thats all, one that is just too hard to break. Now though, I feel its time I must let that bad habit be broken or its going to start to negatively effect my body in a bad way. Its my jewish new year resolution. I believe it will benefit me in many different positive ways. Im going to make everything okay with my guy situation. Im going to stay healthy and happy. And those are my new years resolutions. And I will make them happen. 

I need to take a trip to tallahasse. I need to go to my beach at 2 am and stay till the sun comes up sitting and laughing like have done for years and years. I want to hit the "destiny" and I know where it is. May.. It couldnt come any sooner. 831 143. Its in the seashell. That is where my future lies.


1 Always..| Smile!

21!! [30 Jun 2008|06:13pm]

My 21st bday was Friday..Im 21!! All the wait, the aticipation the fake ID.. its all over with.

Its so crazy to me.. thinking about it.. Im 21..like seriously.. 21.. the age I have been waiting for my whole life.. lol.. its nuts. I have my brother asking me to get him beer.. its awesome..

but at the same time.. so depressing..like.. man what else do i have to look forward too..

pretty much this: my career, graduating college, getting married.. having kids.. so no more age to look forward to.. just life.. and the future

its nuts i tell ya

but my bday rocked!! The weekend was crazy and awesome and couldnt have been better!!


i suck at this [04 Jun 2008|07:10pm]
i use to write in this thing like.. daily. I guess after high school you just loose sight of things..

im single now.

its nicer this way and I guess its just something I really needed. I havent really ever had the real true experience of "single life"

weird though.. chad called me last week saying him and his gf broke up. Hadnt talked to him in like a year and a half.. maybe more. And he wanted to hang out.. I didnt think much of it just told him id give him a call when i came into town.. so i text him like 3 days later or something and no response so i text him yesterday and i was like hey whats goin on.. he texts me back "stop texting me im back together with kayle (his ex)" hahahah im like WTF we dont talk for 2 years and YOU call  ME out of the blue wanting to hang out then tell me to leave you alone HAHAH wow!

so that was pretty random

ive been hangin out with my friends from work a lot lately (justin, will, melissa, lindsey) they are awesome.. guy situations a little complicated.. but when isnt it with me haha

weird, and confusing but i guess its for the best.. just see what happens..

i still miss christian a lot in some ways and sometimes i really do think him and i will eventually get back together but i dunno.. we'll see.

brunkies home so i have been beachin it a lot with him.. i love that kid so much seriously its sooo nice to have my biffle back home =)

now debating on tonight.. to drive home or not to??
1 Always..| Smile!

Go baby whoop whoop! [25 Feb 2008|03:43pm]
so life is great..

havent updated in a while.. I wish I was better with this thing. I should probably take all my blogs and just put them in here so I can keep an update on this thing and leave my myspace a lil more private.. maybe soon.

anyways Valentines day was amazing. I truly have the best boyfriend ever. We went to Balo's resarante ((italian place)) seriously GORGEOUS. ate steak and salmon, had martini's and a bottle of champagne.. choclate suffle for dessert.. 170$ later it was a perfect dinner :) 

I got my signed Bobby Bowden framed photo Id been wanting foreverrr and the most gorgeous flowers :)

I decorated his car while he was at work and put rose petals all over the passenger and drive seat with silk roses on the dash, sour candies and chocolates and a big red teddy holding the scrapbook I made him on his seat. It was way cute..with heart balloons too :) Im so cute! lol

anyways so yay cake it was a good day..

since then Ive just been working a lot. I tryed going over to the Oviedo Gators to work, but it wasnt for me. I love the Melbourne one too much. So Im working on trying to get like a steady paid day job over here so that im not driving wayy to much and just working there on the weekends.. but Im making good money right now. Just putting a lot of unneeded miles on my new car :/

New car is AMAZING I love love love it :))))) SOOOOO cute!

Friends are wonderful.. feel like Im slipping out of one but I guess thats part of growing up. Saw my Britty this weekend which was nice. I miss her. Hung with Shananannana too :) I love my girls. Been seeing Jenny and Laur more which is nice. Im going to PR for spring break with SHanna, Ange and Abby and Im a SOOOO excited!!! I loveeeee those girls.. abby I dont know well but thats ok haha I saw Kace too which was AWESOME! I love that girl SOOO much and I love that we can go a while without seeing eachother and then when we do its like we'd been together every day :) I love my lyza too Im s0o0o0o0 glad we have been keeping in touch and talking at least 3 times a week. That girl is my sister ;) hehe and I am SO excited about my brunkie coming home soon!!! I cant wait!! yay life!

I love living with Jake and Khristy! We have so much fun ((Graham too cuz he pretty much lives here haha)) its so nice having such close friends!!

Think Im gunna go tanning now :) 

One mintute goes fast.. [22 Jun 2007|10:57pm]
So its been forever since i have updated..maybe I should do it..

Life have been one long crazy hell ride for me the past 2 months or so. Without getting into tooo much detail..

Mark and I broke up. It was for the best for right now. I still love him more than the world. Its just all about timing and the timing isnt right.

Im moving to Orlando in 9 days. Just sealed the deal on the house. Moving in with 6 ppl its gunna ROCK! Me, Kyle, Nick, Graham, Sarah and Laura. Its seriously going to be like "Real World" And I cant wait!!

I start Bar Tending at Sioux City on Monday. Im ESTATIC about that as well. I worked behind the bar all night tonight with Matt and I fucking rock:) For it being my 1st night I feel pretty confident in it all. So anyone 21 come up and see me :)

My bday is in 5 days! I cant believe it:( Bye Bye teenage years..Im really not excited about this bday lol..

I tryed haning out at Mikes a couple times..It was actually A LOT of fun and I had REALLY missed it..But once again..things blow back up when I try to do things to make myself happy so that got immediately yanked out of my "go ahead" cards. One day we will all just be able to grow up and be mature about the situation and get along. But I guess its not time yet there either. Just hoping its soon..

Ya lifes been lots of complications but it all works in the end for the best. Like I always say " Everything will be okay in the end, if its not okay, its not the end" 

Im just ready to move and start a new chapter in my life. With a group of friends who I can trust. In a house that is absolutly GORGEOUS. In a town that is AWESOME. With a job I LOVE! So I cant complain..

Anyways thats been life in a nutshell:)


ugh [01 Jun 2007|01:06am]
irealllly dont think i could be any more fucked upp than i am..
like mentally..

what is wrong with me..how did i let this happen?

[27 Dec 2006|02:58pm]
So the fun way to do the overview of my 2006 year would be to do it in pictures..which I am going to do. Just Im gunna wait till after new years when the year can be complete. I totally stole this idea from Sarah, but I want to have it written down too lol. I did a lil more entries this year than her buttt not nearly like I use to, I think I had a total of like.. 24 entries. But god almighty this has been one of the most stressful, difficult, craziest, amazing, fun years ever. I dont know if all those work together but it makes sense throughout the year. So lets start

-Started the year at AJs..SO much fun but this was before I started drinking again soo I didnt drink but we all chilled..I miss times like these. The whole crew was there minus Josh and Kyle.. ((Me, Sarah, Ange, Kace, Tay, Anthony, Callahan, Mike, AJ, Matty P, Sarah C, Cat, Candler, Derek)) So much fun. I posted an entry on the 1st and 2nd and it has pics from the whole night at the end it said its going to be the best year ever, i think i may have been correct? lol

-started my 1st day of BCC after being at Tally.

-I was really sick a lot this month:(

-I got everything moved into the apt

-We started going to Orlando to Kaceys apt for all kinds of crazy parties ((I use to look forward to the rides there and back haha)) Still before I drank again so I was always DD

-My sickness got a lot worse Jan 17

-I went to my cousin Debbies wedding

-Sickness still seemed to be getting worse, it was a bigtime scare for me and anyone close

-I got the job at Durango ((little did I know it would change my entire life))

-Started training, met and started hanging out a lot with Crystal, Katie and Kimber. Started RACK

-I started realllly seeing where my relationship was at and how hurt I really was

-Valentines day was great but as I said in my entry, I knew it was pretty fake and the next day reality would set back in

-Went to melting pot with Callahan, My parents, Stacey and My brother for Vday..

-Kacey got pregnant!

-Scotts house Party!!

-The tree fell on Callahans car

-Daves house parties

-Callahan broke up with me march 1

-Mommy n Daddy made everything better for me March 3

-Durango's opened the night of Marti gras (this was prolly why we ended up closing bc it was bad) but such a fun night

-Met Brett, really changed my perspectives of my feelings and relationship

-Went through a LOT of bad things with my best friends- thought I lost them there for a while:-/

-St. Pattys day at Bretts house..Best day ever

-I fell in love with everyone I work with at Durango and have the coolest managers ever!

-Went to Washington DC for my cousin Jims wedding ((sooo much fun))

-1 year since Steph (lyzas mom) died (april 3)

-Still felt like I was loosing my best friends

-Got a TATTOOO with Lyza:) and Scotty Poo came!

-Fun times with Sarah, Kayla, and Amanda

-Found out Callahan was saying things to Jenny..ugh

-I started "talking" to Markusss:)

-Had crazy fun parties with the ppl from work

-AJs house party!

-1 year for me and Callahan-may 12

-1 year since Graduation-may 20

-took photography with Sarah- Best class ever

-Went to North Carolina for the 2nd year in a row with Mike n Callahan and Callahans Fam

-Me and Callahan got back together((un officially))

-Emilee came down ((best time everrrr))

-Turned 19- went to dinner and party at Mikes

-Still working and loving every minute of Durnago's

-Callahan asked me back out officially for my bday

-Derek n Sars broked up

-Started serving rather than hostessing

-Kacey n Kaylas bday! HOLLLA

-Kacey and AJ got engaged

-She found out ITS A GIRL!!!

-Candlers bday

-Dereks 21st

-Party at Candlers for his bday

-Lyza got boooobies!

-High school started from my brother, SENIOR BOY NOW!

-Em came back down with Derek!

-BCC started again

-Mommy got surgery

-Auditioned for Footloose

-Made footloose :)))

-Got really close with Matt, Yvana, and Rene!!

-Lost my life to rehearsals and work hahah

-Callahan and I broke up..

-And got back together..lol

-Nephews bdays

-Show opened ((awesome))

-311 concert with pepper and the wailers

-Found Callahans inbox on Myspace..enough said

-Broke up with him..

2 Always..| Smile!

I love life. [12 Dec 2006|11:39pm]
So much has changed..
Im going out with Mark now. I love it, I am SO happy! He makes me feel like Im queen of the world! He makes me happy, he treats me right, I have fun with him and he is the most amazing person. I finally got what I deserve, to be treated right and to be happy with a guy.

I couldnt ask for more. **123**

Anyways lifes good, some shitty stuff happened this week..

2 deaths..wont even go into it all..its been rough

marky comes home in a day so im wayyy excited about that

we are all going to Otown for my Girlfriends bday excited bout that too<333 yayyy


[18 Sep 2006|12:40pm]
So we opened FOOTLOOSE on Friday..It went AWESOME. Sucks cuz I dunno what was going on but for some reason Matt wasnt talkin to me..but its all good. The show went great! MUCH better then I thought. I was kinda let down this weekend though cuz I was suppose to have a buncha friends come see it and the only people who came out of the 8 people that were suppose to were Alyza and Ian. But I guess its whatev. Not much I can do about that. 
But then Saturdays show kinda went downhill, and then of course came back together for the saturday night show but our SUnday was definatly our best show. The weekend really did go realllly well I was very happy. 
Friday after the show we had the usual cast party with pizza and cake. That was fun. I love our group of friends! Rene, Yvana, Me, Elizabeth, Donnie, Nick, Cathy, Dawn, Daniel, Travis..We have so much fun!! Yvana and Rene stayed the night Friday with Scott, Jason and Callahan. That was fun times! Yvana broke her hand the NIGHT BEFORE OPENING!! So Ive been taking care of her haha. Then Saturday in between we went to Murdox..and I stopped and saw Callahan before. Then Yvana and Callahan stayed the night Saturday..And sunday I worked after the show which was nice. So ya lifes going really good for me right now. I went bowling last night with Sar fun times:) And who knows whats going on for tonight, I finallllly have a night off:) 

Callahan and I talked a lot after going through a buncha shit. Things have been a lottt better lately so thank god for that. Hopefully we can keep it this way! :)

Its been a while.. [20 May 2006|03:44pm]
So its been exatctly a year since graduation..weird.

I know I havent really written in here since I moved back from Tally.. I just kinda..grew outta it a little. I dont want to though. I like having something I can go and look back on. 

Like looking back on what I wrote at Graduation last year. I was so excited..I never thought Id have gone through so much after graduation though. 

In the past year, SO much has happened to me. I moved out, I went away to school, I came back home, I fell in love, I had my heart broken, and mended..and broken again, I lost friends I never thought I would, I made friends, I got a new job, I got my own apt, ect. Its crazy.

I regret not writing in this more though. Its nice to keep myself updated..

One day soon I will just make an entry for myself about everything thats happened since I really stopped writing real entries..

As of now, things are a little complicated, yet at the same time..Im having so much fun. And I guess thats what is important right now. Eventually everything will fall into place and make sense again.

<3 Congrats to the class of 06! Its crazy now they are all graduated..MY BROTHERS GUNNA BE A SENIOR!! Thats even more scary:-/ I am NOT ready for that one at all!!

My deejers is all done with HS now..its nuts!! I didnt even WANT to graduate when I did haha.


weird [12 May 2006|07:51pm]
its weird to think its been officially a year now..Its funny because I can still remember every single thing that happened haha and the way it happened..:-/ hmm


Its been so long:( [03 Apr 2006|12:32pm]

I cant believe its been a year. This is my journal post from 1 year ago today:( We miss you Steph!

**STEPHANIE HELMAN...Rest In Peace MoM..I Love You...More than you know...04-03-05**

No my mom didnt die...But Alyzas mom did..Alyza my best friend in the entire world since only god knows how long. Meaning her mom was my mom like my mom is her mom. They are my 2nd family. Mom died this morning at 5am:( We love you mom and its gunna be really weird without you around to yell at me and tell me Im spoiled and to do the dishes and when I walk in the house you roll your eyes and say monotone "hi rachel" and you driving into the median at the intersection of 520 and courtenay while lyz nat and i sit in the back freaking out. So many good times. Not to mention all the times we came to you and heard your crazy stories in the hospital so youd have people to talk to. How you loved to look pretty and always made us put makeup on you and brush your hair..Even when you couldnt. How you always told us how much you hated hospital beds and to just get you home. You and Lyzas bitch fights where youd go back and forth calling eachother names, Makin us help you with all the garage sales and your hour long talks about the most random things. You'll never understand how much you meant to us. We had our arguements and our "tiffs" but thats cuz I really was your 3rd daughter, just like you told everyone when theyd ask you how many daughters you had, youd say 3 she lives here too and point to me:) I love you so much and Im gunna miss you!

For you Lyz you know Im always here and like always Im gunna be beside you like I have every other time she went in to the hospital..This time there was just an outcome:( You are my best friend in the entire world and that wont ever change. Mom is in a better place now and shes out of the pain she was in. Shes up there with Martin and Torri now and we know how she is, shell be up there making new friends and telling them all her crazy stories and how she had these awesome daughters that she adored so much. I love you girlie! Im here beside you all the way!

2 Always..| Smile!

I got nothing [14 Feb 2006|11:51pm]
You know that numbess..when you just cant feel anything..you have no emotions..no nothing..ya Im there..

Valentines day went great..a LOT better than I thought. 

I wish it could just be like this everyday..But I know tomorrow it goes back to normal..which is where I become numb again

Do I give up?

Friends are Forever [06 Feb 2006|02:52am]

So I had this odd dream last night..It was about like..Best friends. I dunno where it came from but it was oo weird. It like brought me through my entire life of "best friends" Im not even kidding it was the most akward dream I have ever had. SO realistic..It was like a flashback of my entire life in the friendship world.

Started in like kindegarden with Josh, Davy, Jess and Danielle..

Then moved to like 3rd grade where it was Allie, Lindsay and Kim which remained that way through 6th grade adding Jake and keeping Josh and Davy.

god I cant even explain how weird this dream was. It was like a lesson or something..Like because I always claim to have soo many best friends..it was like telling me how not all the people I consider best friends really are my best friends..and that I need to analyze what a BEST friend means..and like I should have 3 different types..Best friend that is my best friend because of length of friendship and closeness which would probably be Josh..then Allie and Linds..who I still talk to now. And best friend that is someone you can talk to and open up to about any and everything..This one was the one that got me..it was like a reality check in my dream. I realized how much I stopped talking to so many people. Like honestly even ppl who really are extremely close to me..ex)Sarah, Angela and Kacey..3 of the only girls I talk to and whom I spend more time with than any other girl. I love them more than life itself..but I dont even talk to them or open up to them like I use to when we lived in Tally and before. I dont know whats going on but it then hit me even harder that in all honesty..the person I open up to the most 100% me is to Callahan. Now that shouldnt suprise me or anyone else since he IS my boyfriend but not ever girl can honestly say that their boyfriend is 100% their BEST friend and the person they spend more time with than anyone else. So yes I owe a lot to him for that..but besides alyza who will and always will be #1 to me just because thats our relationship..even if we go days without speaking we talk like we'd been together the entire time, and not to mention now we live together so shes always here for me.. The other person I talk to about everything..is Laura..and you know what.. I know a lot of ppl are gunna be like ummm thats kinda weird blah shit blah..but shes the type of person I would be friends with anyways. Had we not gone through the shit we did and Id met her in some other way shape or form..I garuntee we'd have become close anyways.

I think the last time I had a 2 hour phone conversation before the other night with laura..was probably last may. No joke. The dream though.. it was SO weird to me. It was like a wake up call but at the same time a really good thing. I know how amazing my friends are and I hands down have the best..there was so many ups and downs to the dream..like shawn will always be close to me. He knows more than a lot of ppl do and he was there for me through everything for 4 years. It was like showing me who I needed to keep and who I can trust and who will be there for me in the end. I cant even describe the detail this effing dream went into! It was CRAZY! So Sarah, Angela and Kacey- I love you 3 more than life and Im sorry if I have seemed distant lately.. or not as open to talking about things. Im reallllly not sure why it was happening. We need a girls day or something. Laura-I cant believe how close we've gotten..but Im SO happy about it! THANK YOU for EVERYTHING! Callahan-you know how I feel. your my best friend..the end. I love you. Alyza-words couldnt express the friendship we have.

its so funny to look back over the years I had SO many best friends..Allie, Amye, Jere, Ty, Jessie, DeeJ, Kayla, Adam, Shawn, then Lyza, Cal, Ange, Kacey, Sars, Mike, AJ, Josh..its crazy though because Im still close or best friends with at least 80% of these people. LoL

So yaaaa weird! But the dream was awesome..suchhhhhhh a big deal to me. Never had such an in depth dream before. It just reallllllly showed me to appreciate each and every friend I have ever been given!! You are alll truly SUCK a gift!@#$%^&*

-wow that was long-

PS. Davey..we miss you and love you! Youre still in our hearts!!

1 Always..| Smile!

From better to worse.. [01 Feb 2006|01:12pm]

So yesterday was like one of the best days ever. Or so I thought..

My dr. whom I love more than anything, he really has been there for me through a lot..Well I talked to him yesterday and he was SO happy because they thought they may have found a medicine to help me and hopefully heal me to the best of their ability. So they had to do some more tests on it and run it through with all my problems to make sure it wouldnt effect anything else I have wrong with me..

Well I stop by today after I go to the bank just to say hi and see how the test was going and if they had recieved any of my tests back... The medicine failed..People with any sort of kidney disease cannot take it..GREAT. Amazing luck for me. And on top of it, the medicine they gave me to try and calm my heart has done nothing on the tests. I dont get it..I know lately I have been doing better, I havent had an attack since thursday..But I also know its because I have had nothing wrong..No anxiety to spark it.

Blah...so he told me to keep my head up and they arent giving up as long as I wont..So Im just holding on, waiting for an answered prayer.. One day they will find something and I will be ok. Just staying positive about it. I just wish it could come sooner, Im sick of being sick:-/



BFFL [25 Jan 2006|01:23pm]

So lately..Things have been crazy. I know I really dont give my best friends enough credit. But I really do love you all so much.

((Callahan))Honestly, I dont even know where to start with this one. He has been here for me through everything and more. I dont think I could ever repay him for everything he has done for me lately. He could have gotten out when it was getting worse, but he didnt. He stuck by and held my hand through it all, and still continues to. I dont think words could ever express how much he means to me. I really do love and appreciate him more than anyone could ever understand.
((Sarah))She is my best friend. Point, Blank, Period. She will tell me exactly how it is. No sugarcoating or anything. I love her more than life. I know she is always hands down here for me no matter what. Not to mention we take the best pics;) But seriously I dunno what Id do without her. BFF!
((Kacey))Duh my lover! She is so sincere and always worried about her friends. She is always here if I ever need anyone to talk to. She will listen. Its so nice to know I have someone like her in my life. :)
((Angela))Same thing applies. Shes very honest and I love that. No matter what she will tell me the truth, even if it may hurt. I dont know where Id be today without her. She makes my life so much easier! <3
((Alyza))My other half. We have always been by eachothers side since we were in 3rd grade. We have been through any and everything 2 best friends could go through but in the end we both know we'll always be there. Its so nice living with someone so close to me. Shes more than my best friend, shes my sister.
((The Guys))--Josh,AJ,Mike,Candler,Kyle--Minus Candler I see these kids every day. Its nice to have guys who will always stand up and be there for you. I got really lucky with sucha great close group of friends.
((Shawn))Im not sure what to say here:-/ A lot has changed and Im well aware of that. I dont even think he considers me a friend anymore. But he will always be a best friend to me. He was there for me when no one else was. Since 9th grade. I dont think Id have gotten through High School without him.
((Kayla))My late night love! She has been there for me for so long. When I had no one and was up till godly hours of the morning, she was always there to talk to. She would stay the night with me when Id have a bad day. She always could make me laugh. We will always have a special bond.
((DeeJ))My fly on the wall! We were attached at the hip for so long. I miss that a lot. But things change and its SO nice to know through all the changes we stayed so close. We have been through a lot together. We will always be here for eachother and both of us know that. PBnJ for Life!
((Sara))My little sis. Its nice to know I have someone looking up to me. I love this girl so much. She is one of the absolute sweetest persons I have ever met in my entire life. To have someone so full of energy and life, she really has been a blessing to me. I love her!

--I know thats not everyone, trust me I know..But those are just the people who recently have been here for me soo much. I love em all more than words..and all the rest of my friends as well. Theres been a few other ppl too that have really been there too Jess, Dusty, My brother, Mark, Laura, Allie, Traci, people with words of kindness and advice and I love you all for it. Thank you!--

4 Always..| Smile!

What do I do:( [17 Jan 2006|04:25pm]
I feel like the worst person ever..

I honestly dont know what to do.

Why does this have to happen to me..:( I really dont know what I did to deserve all this.

Im so sorry:( So so sorry.

what do I do now..:-/
5 Always..| Smile!

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